On grief, and other things – May 2012 (copied from previous blog)

I had a dream about my grandad the other day. He passed away in October last year and the dream was so vivid and real, it was almost like gramps had come back to visit me. He looked exactly the same, down to the little hairs on his nose. When I woke up it was one of those dreams that I knew I’d remember – I didn’t even need to write it down. Gramps had come into my house through the front door. I remember being stunned as even in my dream I knew he was dead. He gave me a leaflet on health and fitness – he was always on at me and mum to lose weight so I figured that was true to form 🙂 anyway, he then leaned in really close and said ‘get out’ before turning and leaving. The second he stepped over the threshold he vanished and water started pouring from the ceiling and down the walls. Me and my husband ran outside – and I woke up.  All day I thought about my grandad – and it’s all I’ve thought about since. Not so much the meaning of the dream – obviously the leaflet was a message to lose weight – but more how much I missed him. I grew up without a dad, grandad was essentially my dad and he was always there for me. I can’t help but miss him every day – and I know my mum does too. Sometimes it’s hard to believe he’s gone – I drive past his flat and see blinds instead of the nets he had up and it’s almost like a knife in my chest at times.  He was always so proud of me. And I’m not ashamed to admit I miss him like crazy. And I probably always will.  As hard as this feeling can be, I know I want to remember it, and him. When I was at uni doing my masters, as part of one module we were asked to think about a time we had lost someone we cared about – at the time I found this so difficult as at that time I truly hadn’t lost anyone I was close to. I made up the piece of prose by imagining how it must have felt. And this in no way felt real to me, or I’m sure anyone else.  Part of being a writer is experiencing emotion and being able to put that emotion down onto paper. I know at this time my feelings of grief over losing gramps are still too raw to write about – but in the future I’ll be able to draw on this And use it in my writing. And I know my grandad will stay proud of me every step of the way.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.