Anxiety, friends and time…

It’s been a busy month in Chez Richardson with one thing and another. I’ve finished editing book 3, Time to Play, which is due out on 22nd September – this has resulted in little time to do any writing though I have been plotting furiously and thinking about book 5 which I hope to embark on soon. 

Constant editing around the day job means that I don’t see my friends and family as much as I’d like to as I’m holed up with my laptop. So when Pete’s birthday came around in August we decided to head out for the day to Whitby. We had a fantastic day – mooched, went on a boat trip, had fish and chips etc and it was lovely to just get away from things even if just for one day. 

I’ve also caught up with my mum and friends too which has been fantastic. 

The downside to the month is that the fatigue linked to my RA has been so intense and hasn’t shown any chance of letting up yet. Which in turn has set off both my depression and the occasional anxiety I suffer. My chest has been tight and I’ve felt panicky at situations that don’t normally bother me. And it’s a funny thing – the anxiety I mean – I don’t suffer with it often and I rarely panic at anything – but when it occurs I find myself wanting to hole up inside and not leave the house. Very odd for me I know. The depression makes me teary at everything – most people don’t realise this about me but I’m what they call up north ‘a soft tart’ – I can literally cry at anything though I don’t tend to (in front of anyone else anyway) and the meds I’m on help stop this teary thing. But I found myself the other day tearing up at an old man walking down the street – he had a crutch and was walking stooped over as if the world was on his back. It upset me because I doubted he even registered that anyone was looking at him walking along and wondering what his story was. 

Along with the teariness comes irritability and I’m sorry to say it’s poor Pete who sees that. I am addressing it – I know I’ll be fine again – I’ve had depression for years so understand it’s my bodies reaction to stress etc. But in putting the mask on we all hold in place when it comes to mental health, I wonder sometimes if it would be more beneficial not to smile and say ‘I’m fine’ and just be honest and say ‘no actually I feel really low today and want to eat a bar of dairy milk whilst sobbing into a cup of tea’. Naturally I wouldn’t do that – none of us like to burden others with our true feelings or appear vulnerable if the mask slips. But I do wonder if it would be more beneficial. 

Suffice to say I’m very much looking forward to the annual leave I have booked in October. 

I’m glad my editing is done now so I can try and get back to focussing on finishing book 4 and getting started on book 5 – writing, for me, is a release of sorts and it does help me deal with the depression and anxiety. So once I get back to grips I’m sure the next blog post will be from my usual upbeat self. 

It’s times like this I tend to look closer at the things that make me happy. My friends, my family, and all the magic I see. It’s this stuff along with the writing that picks me up and guides me in moving past the darkness. Today’s light included a cuddle off Pete, coffee this morning with my mum, the wisp of strange clouds in the sky as I drove to work, and saying hi to the lovely people I work with. This has all helps me smile today. Look for something tonight that makes you smile. And grab it with both hands. Xx